calliope, calliope 2016

INVESTIGATION ON THE OPTIMISATION OF RELATIONSHIPS IN HORMONAL AND OTHERWISE UNDERDEVELOPED HOMO SAPIENS

photo credits here, edited.

by loo wei juan

INVESTIGATION ON THE OPTIMISATION OF RELATIONSHIPS IN HORMONAL AND OTHERWISE UNDERDEVELOPED HOMO SAPIENS

Dr. F. A. Stevenson, Professor Kallen Blure
The University of Very Legitimate Scientific Knowledge, UNASS

 

1.A. Background and Scientific Issue

Homo sapiens are known for their complex, irrational and fascinating behaviour, particularly at their maturation phase in which previous studies have observed them exhibiting wildly uncharacteristic behaviour. They are also known to attempt to conceal documentation of such wild behaviour by actions such as deleting Instagram, changing their names or moving to Antarctica. This study seeks to observe and optimise the best possible behaviour that can be displayed in the relationship and social aspect of Homo sapiens between the age of 13 and 18, so as to allow further research into the factors concerning the abrupt declination of cognitive ability when the Homo sapiens is exposed to the opposite gender.

1.B. Hypothesis

Our hypothesis states that maximum optimisation of the relationship between two of the Homo sapiens is obtained only with the following conclusions:
a) Between two males: Both share the same interests in sports and have similar tolerance levels for destroying school property; their conversation consists of frequencies of 2 memes per minute and 1 “Your Mom” joke per hour;
b) Between two females: Both share the same interests in music and similar squealing volume; both have the same mindset in regard to insects.
c) Between a male and a female: Unknown.

1.C. Materials and Methods

Volunteers for this project were found though a recruitment drive done within a nearby educational institute found to be rich in the specific subgroup of Homo sapiens needed. Surprisingly, the same compound yielded unexpected and yet undiscovered species henceforth named as Homo muggie, Homo gameria, Homo friendzona and many more. Volunteers were recruited by chasing them toward the recruitment room dressed as turnstiles or exam papers, then offering them 20-page-long offer contracts with font size 8 text, a disclaimer that they may get superpowers from the radiation and a Rubik’s Cube. The success rate for the recruitment drive was 87.3%, because 12.7% were too busy reading Campbell Biology 9th edition and muttering to themselves feverishly to comprehend simple tasks like “Sign here”. It is noted with great apprehension that the surrounding specimens of the homo genus muttered what sounded like “crop Rio”, but scientists are uncertain as to the true meaning of this phrase.

Specimens were carefully selected from the large size of possible volunteers and obtained when they had left the educational institute using the instruments of trichloromethane and a white van. All specimens were brought to the testing centre and told that they were undergoing tests for a possible scholarship award. All protests immediately stopped.

 

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