photo credits here, edited.
by trinity huang
Hello. Salutations. Greetings.
The message was simple. Short. Curt. Backhanded perhaps? Malicious, maybe?
For the first time, in a long time, I notice that I truly am shocked, afraid and unsure. Perhaps it is because of this that I am so acutely aware of how my heart is pumping just a smidge faster than normal or the slight tightening of my chest. It could be because of how long I had been staring at a tiny screen but I could feel a slight headache developing too; two simple words frenziedly running through my brain in an unending cycle, hitting the back of my skull again and again and again…
Until, eventually, I just feel numbness. Panic still has her icy claws pressed tightly against my lungs and adrenaline stays burning just beneath my skin, but they seem to make space for the emptiness that fills my body.
I’m overdoing it. Thinking too much. No. Feeling too much.
The air is thick and muggy, and, at this point, probably half composed of my exhaled breath…and sweat. I’ve been leaning against the bathroom door frozen, staring into a little screen, its cold light streaming up onto my face. It has been twenty minutes from when I first set foot in the bathroom. All because of two simple words.
This is stupid, I feel stupid. Why the heck am I still like this?
Wow. I am stupid. A smiley face, really? Is today opposite day? I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Sometimes it feels like an impossible task, being the idiot I am.
Who r u?
I guess that’s a decent save. I could pretend I lost her contact. Even better, I deleted it, along with everything else related to those four years.
Why haven’t I done that actually? It’s not like I haven’t thought of it a million times before. Something about accepting and remembering what I’ve been through and who I am? Well that’s one reason.
How are things??
I txt u b4 wut
Frm last yr class
I’m not a stalker lol
Oh, things r fine , n u?
I wanted to say more.
Things are great.
I have a fresh start, a new school, new people, new everything. I’m going to forget about the hurt, the sharp sting of cruel insults, the whispers in the classroom so inaudible yet so surely about me, I’ll leave it all behind me. It’s inevitable, everything, even our most painful moments, fade with time. Sooner or later the familiar scorn-filled faces of those who dragged me down will be nothing but blank slates, strangers to me and I couldn’t care less, honestly.
Things are fantastic.
Why is she even talking to me?
What does she want?
What sch ru in?
Ur in sn right?
This is just so awkward.
I rmb that time u waiting list 4 it
N u were thinking abt putting it 1st choice
That seems so far back. How long has it been? Over a year? Under a year? I don’t remember that much when it comes to the specifics actually. My emotions have stayed strangely vivid.
so u got into the sch u wante huh
For a second I become aware of just how stuffy the bathroom has become, my back is sticking against the wooden door with sweat, I feel icky and uncomfortable, and my small ache has become a fully developed migraine. I reach for the window, cracking it open as I settle down on the countertop my body happily adjusting to the change of environment as the cold marble presses against my skin. I still find it a little hard to breath.
I’ll admit, my new school life is pretty amazing. But frankly, I never really wanted things to end up like this. It was only in the final semester of my final year that I even found out about my new school, and even then a part of me still thought ‘a grand escape’ was just an idea I was entertaining.
I surprised even myself at how far I was willing to take this little idea. I went for test after test after camp after test after interview after interview. For a jumpy introvert who has an impressive lack of social awareness, I somehow performed well. A strange determination had come over me; there was an unfamiliar clarity in my thoughts and actions. I was going to leave.
It was a strange realization. My old school was always very big on the whole community side of things; caring for one another, remembering our roots, stuff like that. The essence of togetherness and sisterhood was brought up and talked about so much within the school that it had begun to border on a sense of extreme exclusivity .I had always expected myself to return to our second home, after leaving…our…second home (If that makes sense). It just seemed like the right path to take. Of course, that was probably the initial mindset of most of my primary school peers.
But I digress.
At the end of the day, I got into the school I wanted.
Yep , so did u lol
At the end of the day things did turn out pretty well
Why is she talking to me?
Why does she think this is a good idea?
She’s standing on thin ice. Does she even notice?
It’s like she doesn’t remember anything.
I know she does.
She knows that I know she does.
She acts like she doesn’t remember anything.
She has also sent you a total of 10 messages, which amounts to a grand total of 52 words you paranoid schtikel.
I just felt like maybe I sld say hi to some old frens
I can’t help but find that hard to believe FREN, or are we just considering anyone who spends more than five seconds in a classroom size radius of us our FREN now? Like anybody we rub shoulders with? Anyone we set our eyes on? Ah well, who am I to know? I’ve suffered from severe FREN deficiency for the past few years.
Thanks Daphne, I guess that’s what FRENS are for.
U n I think 3 others
Oh I see, not only am I your FREN, I am some special FREN who you suddenly start messaging exclusively…like nothing happened…
AFTER THOSE FOUR YEARS OF BULLYING AND PAIN AND ANGER, YOU’RE SUDDENLY MY BEST FRIEND BECAUSE I’VE HAD ONE YEAR TO ‘FORGET’…YOU’VE GOT … YOU’VE GOT TO BE
It’s been a year and things change so much
OH , OH REALLY?
YOU ABSOLUTE COWARD !
I don’t even talk to our ex classmates anymore
only certain ones
When I actually c them
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. SAY SOMETHING TRINITY.
Like wut ?:l
well like only 4 ppl frm 6p made it to ip sooo…
I dont see them at all
FOR GOODNESS SA—
Remember the time I said that sometimes I’m way too hard on myself? That I’m a huge idiot and I know it? That’s the truth.