photo credits here, edited.
by jolie fong
you breathe a faint sigh, and i feel the assuaging warmth of your hand suddenly vanish from my shoulder. unease bounced off every inch of your porcelain skin, devouring the remains of the invisible red string tied between the two of us.
you bring your hand to your side. it was trembling, albeit faintly. desire courses through my paper-thin veins. desire to caress the slender, chalk-white, alluringly cold fingers of yours, with my resigned, flushed, emotionally torn ones.
the last trace of rational thought leaves my clouded head. in a swift, aggressive motion, i grab the hand greedily. maybe if i draw you close, just close enough-
“i’m fine alone.”
you say, in spite of your frozen, almost cowering body. i feel your transient, cool warmth worm out of my desperate grasp, with a sort of firm instability. disregarding all the circumstances that pleaded you to stop, you smile weakly.
i know what’s next. don’t say it- no- stop-!
the sudden flare of emotion in my worn heart dissipates. i decided, i wouldn’t react. i couldn’t react.
i knew a way to stop this. if i clung to you, grasped at your rapidly fading silhouette, beseeched you to stay, you would.
you would turn back, no matter how troubling it is. you’re so gentle-hearted.
isn’t that why i fell in love with you in the first place?
but for you, turning back is so, so, horribly cruel. like stabbing a person in the chest, then plunging a knife into the same place the moment it heals.
i know it. but why am i still so selfish?
the thought of imploring you for one more favour is unbearable. my shoulders heave as i choke back a sob. blinking the tears away from my blurred vision, i look up to your face. despite your cold exterior, your eyes are full of warmth.
the false encouragement fills my heart with hope. childish hope. false hope. ephemeral like what we shared.
i can’t comprehend the depths of my heart just yet. i can’t decide what i want to do just yet. i can’t do anything but optimistically wait for these vague days to clear up, leaving me alone in the transparent dark. i open my mouth, but all that tumbles out is empty, blank nothingness.
everything deserts you when you least expect it.
without saying goodbye, you vanish. like a wisp of a smoke that rises into the clouds and spreads all over the air, never to return as one.
and like that, i’m alone on the boat. drifting through the still ocean, shrouded in mist, with no one to pilot it. i no longer know where it’s headed.
i can only ride upon this boat, even if it’s moving in the opposite direction of the boat you chose. my blushing hands clasp together in solemn prayer.
though we walk down different paths, don’t forget me until we meet again.
i’ll find you.
and you won’t sail away.